Recently, I have been reading a great deal on
how people learn and what they believe about their own learning process. That
is, how do they understand their learning process? If you look toward young
adult males having difficulty emerging into adulthood, the questions circle
around what is getting in the way. It’s assumed if the conditions are “right,”
the person naturally develops to become a functioning adult. If they don’t, the
questions surfaces as to what will help them shift?
Tied
into the learning process is the nature of developing. Erikson (1968) offered
an eight-stage life span model to better understand how humans develop
throughout one life. Robert Kegan (1984) offered another model that included
the development of intelligence (from Piaget) and moral development.
Nonetheless, parents have a model in their mind about what ought to happen and
that is usually grounded in the social conditioning. Their model is revealed in
how they interpret the situation they may face with their child. It is seen in
the behavior and feelings that parents experience as they work to launch their
child into adulthood.
Despite the parents’
best efforts to work from this nonconscious model, the natural progression that
is experienced by most emerging young adults stalls. That is, people go about
raising their kids in a “good enough” manner. The kids learn, mature, and off
they go. Even if the parents’ model of development is restrictive, often times
the young adults find their way. However, some don’t. Some kids just wrestle
and they wrestle with their parents. The irony I see in the dynamics between
parents and their emerging adult child is that the very “solutions” for their
child are paradoxically, the interventions that maintain the problem. In trying
to launch their child, the efforts end up keeping the child dependent and more
afraid to launch.
The suggestions and
comments below are offered as rhetorical fodder to consider. Not to say the
questions or comments are basic and only suitable for livestock but they are grist
to mull around and chew on for some time. These comments are not meant for
those parents who have just stepped into a difficult situation with their
emerging adult child. Something else could be happening so seek professional
support. I am speaking to those parents who have seen numerous professionals,
have ruled out psychiatric or other medical issues and are experiencing more a
characterological disposition set of issues. See what comes up.
1.
Are
you trying to live through your child? Sometimes we are trying to rectify
our own issues that we experienced in our youth through our parenting process
with our adult child. Fears of past trauma or hurts are expressed in our tone
of voice, our avoidance or our overly protection of our child. Divorce,
resentment, childhood trauma, etc.
2.
What features do we need to have our young
adult child posses and are we thwarting that development? In my view, we
need young adults learn from their decisions, behaviors, and tensions. Direct
experience is the best vehicle for learning. If you can allow your child to
fall on their face, deal with the consequences, and let them get themselves
back up on their feet, they we will gain greater confidence in themselves while
learning invaluable tools. Let you kid fall. It’s their financial credit not
yours. And if it is tied to yours, untie it.
Unfortunately,
throughout some of the young adult lives’ I am referencing here, it is common
to see parents prevent this type of learning during their teenage years. Lots
of reasons why but suffice to say that the kids didn’t quite get the
scaffolding to help them learn progressively that they must be accountable and
responsible for their actions or inaction. Otherwise, parents delay the
learning later in the young adults’ lives with higher levels of costs. I know
40 year old who have not learned the lessons.
Note:
I am not talking about kids with Autism Spectrum Disorder or other forms of
significant neurological disorders but young adults who have adopted a learning
model that doesn’t allow them to take risks, learn from the risk taking, and
attending to the distress in a tolerable way.
3.
What solutions are you using that don’t work
and keep using? I trust you have heard the saying that the definition of
insanity is using the same methods but expecting different results. If a parent
keeps trying but gets the same results, they are more than likely operating
from the same paradigm. Solutions may vary from an outside look but they
continue to be generated from the same way at looking at what is happening with
the adult child. It won’t go anywhere unless the adult child progresses
naturally in his or her development process, which does happen.
4.
Are
you afraid of your child dying? Some reading this may say aloud, “Of
course!” Sometimes in our fear that our child may hurt themselves, we deny them
the opportunity to find their feet. I consistently coach parents to allow their
child to make healthy choices and close accesses to unhealthy support. Some
parents can’t bring themselves to not fund their child’s inappropriate use of
money, for example. They continue to give their child money to do something
different with it and the kids don’t. The parents are exacerbated and confused
and frustrated but they continue with the same pattern but expecting different
results. But sometimes this energy comes from a belief that if they don’t give
the money, the child will die. Not that uncommon. Remember, offering a choice
of healthy support or the adult child can go on their own is still giving them
a choice.
5.
Are you avoiding professional counsel?
Reflect on the past counsel you have received in the past. Are their common
themes shared by the professionals? Often, but not always, I hear professionals
that I collaborate with that the same counsel was given to the parents that I
delivered. Consider what is the cost of exercising the counsel? Can you try it
for a sustained period of time to truly investigate the outcomes?
