There appears to be two general categories for the collection of families I have recently been working with: ones that want to work and ones who don't. Pretty simple.
The ones that want to work are those who can identify that something isn't working accompanied by at least a modest pool of humility. When connecting with them, there is an effort to listen and be reflective on their part. Although reactivity surfaces along the journey together, there is an effort to see it for what it is, a passing moment of a story. In fact, as they experience these moments as passing, the reactivity subsides some and a greater sense of ease emerges. The more frequent the recognition, the more settled they become and the stories of what will happen based on distorted interpretations subside.
If you want to see change with another, you have to change yourself. Not a new thought here but it doesn't reside in our collection of genes thus requiring each of us to discover it through trail and error while being fortunate enough to recognize the pattern.
However, there are many who want me or others to fix their spouse, child, or neighbor. These are the people of the other category, the ones who want change but aren't willing to look in the mirror. I get that it is scary to investigate. However, the joke is that the only fear that exists and manifests is the fear in our own hearts. Great news, no? For if that is true, people can begin pursuing a different perspective. The insanity part for me is playing into the script of those who are not mature enough to inquire internally, (reflecting my own maturity).
So, I connect with families who say they want to help their kid. We begin discussing what the situation is and how they see things from their view, albeit locked in to how they are interpreting their experience as reality. I provide a nudge to look at it differently. The ones that fall into that self-reflective group, ask questions. The ones who don't, don't.
I can't change people. I can promote it. The ones who don't want to change aren't going to unless God speaks in their hearts with a club. But those who do, there is celebration and joy. I am still learning that I can't save people. My role is to change me, my personality and my perspectives. But this comes with a deep sense of surrender and humility. In actuality it is God who is changing me, not "me."
The great part of the work I do is the work I do with me. For I am asked continually to surrender this life to God. That means all of my hopes, dreams, expectations, fears, anger, all of it is to be given over so that there is no "me." I am not talking about nihilism. A person is up the wrong tree if that is what they think I am advocating because it doesn't exist. (As long as there is sensory perception, nihilism doesn't exist. It can't.)
As I connect with the two different "ones," my role is to be the change. The results are not up to me on what path they take. That is between God and that person. I am humble enough to recognize God is much bigger than any of us. I don't know what I don't know. But I can move deeply within and ask myself if I am looking for something that is to be sought within me? Am I being the person I want and feel called to be in this walk? Surrender is the best action I can take. What emerges is much larger than this personality and my capabilities. God is doing the changing.
Nonetheless, I can offer guidance and support to the two groups of families. By holding what I can and can't do, everyone truly wins in the long run. For God has a plan and is working His plan perfectly in each of us. I am in favor of leaving it to God as to what will become. Not my business. But if God can use me to reveal His Truth, I am an eager servant. (Contradiction because God uses all things for His good.)
I love all families, whether addicts in recovery or still in the throws of narcissism. My role is to surrender what I believe I need to do, what others ought to do, and instead just love them and help them where they are open. The rest is none of my business.
I wish for everyone to know God. To know Him in a way that you cast your life recklessly to His Truth. Although the journey may look messy, the breath of Freedom from wants, craving, and dispelling ignorance is amazing.
I wish for everyone to aperceive this great wisdom. They will chuckle at the absurdity of how one organized his or her life and cumulative experiences. And in that change or shift, each person brings God more tangibly, more perceptibly in this world of moment-to-moment.
Blessings
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