Conflict is such an amazing teacher. When in conflict with another, the invitation presents an opportunity to reflect as to how this moment is asking us to grow. Growth in this context really means to let go, for there is nowhere to “go.” There is only here, right now. For me, “clarifying” instead of growing makes more sense.
Recently, I found myself in conflict with my wife. A tension brewed and we agreed to take a break from talking about the situation. With anger still stirring, I pondered on what it is that I was stuck on. Of course, in the beginning I made it about her. “She does this.” “She doesn’t do that.” Thought patterns that all of us can relate to. Nevertheless, because I know it isn’t about her, I could go to that place inside to see what world I was/am living in. For the world is what my mind makes up, not actual Reality but a relative reality.
There is a process that I find that helps me navigate these types of small personal conflicts. Please understand the context or nature of this group of conflicts. They don’t revolve around something of major significance such as trauma or severe neglect. There squabbles that tie to some neuroses. So, here is a process that may be helpful for others.
First, ACCEPT the conflict or tension. It’s there and it’s in motion. So don’t deny it and don’t try to conquer or beat up the other person. Just accept that you all are having a conflict. Doesn’t make you or the other a “bad” person.
Second, VALIDATE the emotions. They are neither right nor wrong. I’m not saying validate the story of what took place or the story you have running in your mind. Instead, just accept and validate the feelings that are right there, within yourself and the other.
Third, VALIDATE the underlying emotions. Most often, there are emotions that lie underneath. For example, when angered, I can feel there is some kind of hurt or fear that fosters that anger. Look at it, accept that it’s there, and if you’re lucky, identify the story that’s there. “I am afraid that I won’t be allowed to be me.” The stories are just that. Don’t be afraid to look at the story.
Fourth, invite GOD or the DIVINE to be present. I refer to this as SURRENDERING. Surrendering is turning over this complete bloody mess of being human over to God. Socrates has been cited as saying “I know that I don’t know.” How true is that for all of us? We thought we knew something but to find out later we really didn’t have it right. (Nor is it ever “right.”) You are not running this showboat’s agenda so turn it over. Serenity Prayer?
Fifth, have COMPASSION for yourself and the other. We are all working hard to maintain our equilibrium. It talks tremendous courage to look at ourselves in an honest way, exposing that hurt or fear. Our minds want to protect us but the protection is now getting in the way of having healthy relationships.
Sixth, now ask yourself HOW DO I WANT TO BE? Not what the other person needs or need not do or say. That’s their business. Stay out of it. Instead, stay in your business. What is being asked of you? Two parts here: first, how do I want to be in this conflict or tension? And second, what’s being asked of me to look at or change in the larger picture? Sometimes, I can feel a part of me wanting to control the situation, make it “right.” But in doing so, I don’t look too pretty. Not very smooth. That is one level I can change or influence. I can modify my way of being toward the other. The second level may reveal that I may not be taking care of myself. I may feel tapped or worn over. There are all kinds of different messages that could be there. What are they for you? Again, this isn’t about the other person, it’s an invitation for you to investigate.
Seventh, take ACTION. As Mahatma Gandhi shared, “Be the change.” If you want change, then follow through with action that builds the picture you built in the sixth step. You can’t control what the other does or doesn’t do.
A couple of other considerations that are outside of this process. Firstly, the person you are in conflict may reveal a deeper wound with yourself or the other. Secondly, there could be a level of abuse that is going on in the relationship. Seek an experienced therapist to help you better understand what is taking place. From there, you can take other measures to remove yourself from the abuse or heal your own trauma.
Best, James
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