Navigating the Family's Journey

Relationships reveals Grace

2011-01-17T11:58:00.000-06:00

I am struck by how Grace reveals Itself in relationships. There are numerous forms of relationships ranging from the most intimate such as one between couples, parents and children, to self and society. But the more intimate we become with another, the more there is an opportunity to experience Grace and perceive God’s back.

Recently, my wife and I were able to spend some quality time together. My brother watched the kids and my wife and I relaxed into some quiet space. There, we were able to slow down enough to hear what the other is thinking and feeling. We untangled some confusion and reinforced what we know to be true in our relationship. As others have written, our thoughts are like clouds, transparent and impermanent. The Truth is like the ground below, expansive and solid. If one were to be above looking down, the thought-clouds drift over the landscape of Truth causing the view of the landscape to be obscured. But once the we look past the clouds or see through them, we perceive Truth. This process feels to me as though Grace is in the motion with clouds, Truth, and observing. (Who is the observer?)

Through the connecting with one another, we can see through the clouds, Truth is revealed. It has always been there but our observation has been limited with our thinking. The relationship provides us with one opportunity to experience Grace, to feel and know It intimately. Again, there are vast types of relationships. There can be relationship-to-task. As an artist is in motion with their medium, a profound touching reveals an indescribable beauty. With our partner though, there is a vulnerability, and exposure, that is often nonparallel to most relationships. Here, in this context, I experience a face of God. However, it requires me to surrender my thoughts, my judgments of what ought to be or not. Instead, just be present, fully. Interestingly, when I reflect on the perception of God, it now becomes a view of the back. For God is captured in time and perception which is never right now.

My wish for humanity is that it could for a moment suspend its thinking and just do nothing but listen. And when the clouds of thinking roll across, we are mindful that they are just clouds, temporary. And look just below those clouds to perceive a beauty that is unexplainable. You can only point to as I am doing here. Our most intimate relationships are pointers and windows into what is timeless and where limit exist in but not around. How beautiful our relationships with our partners, children, siblings, and friends can be. May you see Grace reveal this blessing. May you have the courage to stop and listen without expectations. Be prepared, however, to experience the showers of love on your face.

Blessings in Disguise: A Resilient and Defiant Child

2010-12-20T10:20:00.001-06:00

You may have a or know a parent wrestling with a willful child. If the child is in the adolescence stage of life, as seen in drug use, alcohol, active sexuality, a disbelief in God, poor performance in school, or just argumentative with authority, understand how lucky you are!!

“Lucky!?,” you may exclaim. Yes lucky because you are being blessed with an opportunity to know God more deeply. In our culture, this probably is like most of humanity, we prize and reward compliance. It’s our herd-mentality. It’s a characteristic of the glue that maintains a society. Without some of it, chaos ensues. However, there are certain souls who express themselves which challenge the rules of the herd. The collective doesn’t make sense to them. How they are being socialized and acculturated solicits a feistiness that is truly a blessing. This is easier stated when it’s someone else’s problem and not ours. However, these young people who wrestle are another form of an angelic presence. “Ya, right!,” might be the thought but, yes, angelic. For God uses all things for His good and these kids are His children.

In my view, when kids are rebellious, have a major illness, or something dramatic happens that cause us to stop our current way of living, they deliver a message from God for us to stop and listen. Recently, I have a parent who is so frustrated with their child. The young man has a history of substance abuse, poor school performance, and hanging out with the “wrong” crowd. He doesn’t believe in God and can’t stand the other kids in youth group. The kid isn’t following what would seem as a healthy track and reverting to some distancing types of coping patterns. The young boy is confused and frustrated. The dad, is frustrated too. “Why is he so hurtful!” or “Why can’t he just talk about what is happening!? Unfortunately, the boy can’t because he doesn’t have the language nor concepts to communicate and understand what is happening with him. Nor does the parent for the parent has not walked through this terrain himself.

This is where I see God’s divine presence so wonderfully revealing. For God is asking us to come to Him for accepting what is, surrender what will be, and to submit our self to God’s will so that we, as adults, can have God’s grace move through us. Life can move along smoothly for a lot of folks. But when you have a resilient child who is throwing your whole family situation into chaos, it doesn’t feel like a blessing. It feels crazy-making! But this reveals our secretive nature to be in control of God instead of the other way around. I know when I am frustrated and angered, these become the perfect cue to submit to God and ask to take the burden I feel, to grace me with the wisdom to do His will, and to accept what is. Sometimes the process can offer a little relief. However, when I truly and fully surrender, I know an exceptional peace. In that peace of know and being aware of God, I can move mountains. Not the ones apart of the ground but the ones that are an illusion: the made up kind. The kind that says “if he doesn’t do this, he will die!”

Not to be flippant but your child will die. It is God’s grace that defines the method and timing. Some kids commit suicide, (3rd leading cause of death with adolescent males). Others take on such risky behaviors that it could lead to peril. All we can do is our best to help our children be responsible, accountable, and to be curious about the Sacred. It is the Sacred, however, that will make the experience. I so appreciate how parenting a risky child can be extremely overwhelming at times. We become angered with poor decisions. Hurt when they reject us. And we can feel scared as we consider where the track is leading in their lives. However, we have to come to our faith to be the best we can. And often we need help or assistance from others. (A neat parallel: we ask for help from others, which teaches us to ask for help from God and vice versa.)

What I encourage parents to do is to submit their lives to their faith. To listen deeply to what their soul is revealing. Moreover, to surrender expectations to accept what is. This doesn’t mean we don’t work. I am not referring to nihilism. We can gain directives and a focus on how to support our child. But it is the quintessential tone inside us that feels like we are doing God’s will even though we may be scared or worried. But we must be obedient because we know it to be the right thing. Just make sure you are working from a Truth and not some form of distortion. If you are not sure, check inside to see if there is peace and love and compassion. If so, you are on the track.

Remember you are only given the stewardship position of a child. They are NOT yours to own. God gave you the privilege to have a child and to support that child to know God. You are not in control of the whole process but given responsibility to raise the child. God made you and your child. But you are still God’s child, just as your child is so.

I wish you profound congratulations for having the blessings of a resilient child! For that child is a messenger from God giving you the opportunity to know Him in greater depth. If you choose to see the blessing, you will be offered opportunities to practice, to seek Him out, and to listen for guidance. Surely, you will make lots of mistake. That’s why God is God! However, you are given the stewardship role to raise your child. Have faith in Him and he will reveal His grace and glory to you. As you experience and know it without trying to thump it into your child, your son or daughter will feel and see the face of God through you. Your job is to be clear and submit to His will. Best form of leadership is leading by example.

So if you have a difficult child situation, count yourself lucky. But if you don’t heed the call in seeking out God, you will live a hell. My hope and prayers are that you hear God’s whispers in your child. It will demand that you listen and let go of what you think should happen. God is working in his child, your child, and in his other child, you!

Gratitude and God

2010-11-23T11:06:00.000-06:00

I’m grateful for Thanksgiving! It points more loudly that one ought to be with appreciation for what have and experience in this moment. But why appreciate anything? My wife and I have had the privilege to travel abroad to developing countries and areas where there is deep strife and conflict. Those experiences give a backdrop to see how fortunate we are to be in America, living as Americans. How lucky I am! Why did I get this opportunity to be an American? I didn’t choose it. Like a child born into financial wealth and drive expensive cars at 18 years of age, I was born into a unique governing freedom.
In this context, I recognize more intimately God’s grace. Not that I deserve it or anything is owed to me. Why does most of the world’s population not have adequate drinking water yet I do? The first item of Bill Gates top 10 aspects of life is “Life isn’t fair. Get over it.” It’s true. And if we try to define “justice,” we can go through the gymnastics but in the end, those in control of others define what justice is. I’m not a cynic. Instead, the reflections illuminate more of God to me. Not sure of a benevolent God that is out there, beyond me. I don’t understand God. I don’t understand what happens in the world and why. Why am I so lucky not to live the constant threat of survival?
Jackie served in Bosnia in the 90’s. She was able to see firsthand how people scrapped by to just survive. Many were not able. In my travels, I’ve seen little girls be used for sexual gratification of white males from developed countries. Do these innocent children deserve this treatment? Recently, Jackie and I talked about how easy we have it. She and I have our conflicts. We disagree or feel hurt by what another says or does. It can feel like a big deal in the moment. But when we consider how much of the world lives, we are humbled in our generous settings. How lucky we are.
Jackie and I have a beautiful family. We are well educated and have a home. Our kids are healthy and are not stressed other than having to put on their mom’s costumes she makes for Halloween. We care for one another and our bills are paid and are with reserves. Why did God give us the talents He has? Yet, there are times I catch my thoughts wandering towards what I don’t have and how others have whatever is of attraction. “Am I good enough? Smart enough?” or “How come they are lucky to have that or this?” are rhetorical questions that sometimes run through my head. I know, however, that these are just human kinds of questions that come from the ancestral lineage for survival and belonging. I’m sure there are some cultural influences, too. Stopping the thoughts and questions, I return to God’s Grace. He has given me some Talents. I am blessed with an incredible partner and great kids.
The next set of thoughts revolve around using God’s given Talents. Although I am not the brightest bulb on the block, I do have some capabilities. I ask God to reveal in my heart and mind how to be His instrument in the world. I think He is already using me. It’s more of how to do I recognize and trust that I am doing as God wills. I think of Saul’s (Apostle Paul) interface with Christ on the Road to Damascus. Saul didn’t ask for Christ’s blessings but he got them anyways. Saul didn’t make a choice, it was forced on him. How could he deny Christ when it was so laid clearly in him? But Saul did use the Talents given and became a leader in the Christian expansion in the early years of the Church.
I just can’t get over how lucky Jackie and I are! We have requests with God but we are so blessed to experience what we do live on a day-to-day basis. In addition, with that awareness, we consider with a heavy heart how so many live with such stress for survival. I wish I could take all the suffering children bear or take the pain of the cruelty animals undergo. Innocent beings didn’t ask for subjugation or oppression. It’s the cards they got. Why? I don’t know. But I do beg God to keep my heart open and have my mind remember how lucky I am. In this particular life story that I have, Gratitude and Appreciation, my heart feels more free. This is why I cultivate loving kindness, appreciation, and surrender to what I am not in control of. I know a liberation I wish for every soul to understand and experience directly. However, I still miss often the opportunities to be grateful.
I don’t know what you may be experiencing in life. Maybe there are blessings you count regularly. If you are reading this more than likely, you are one of the privileged ones. I wish that you may share your gratitude in your heart with others. That you see the Divine in motion already in your life. Moreover, I wish that you may see and inventory your talents so that you write a story of how you use your talents in a way that you know in your heart that you are living your Truth.

Kindly, James

Using Personal Conflicts for Understanding

2010-05-17T11:55:00.000-05:00

Conflict is such an amazing teacher. When in conflict with another, the invitation presents an opportunity to reflect as to how this moment is asking us to grow. Growth in this context really means to let go, for there is nowhere to “go.” There is only here, right now. For me, “clarifying” instead of growing makes more sense.
Recently, I found myself in conflict with my wife. A tension brewed and we agreed to take a break from talking about the situation. With anger still stirring, I pondered on what it is that I was stuck on. Of course, in the beginning I made it about her. “She does this.” “She doesn’t do that.” Thought patterns that all of us can relate to. Nevertheless, because I know it isn’t about her, I could go to that place inside to see what world I was/am living in. For the world is what my mind makes up, not actual Reality but a relative reality.
There is a process that I find that helps me navigate these types of small personal conflicts. Please understand the context or nature of this group of conflicts. They don’t revolve around something of major significance such as trauma or severe neglect. There squabbles that tie to some neuroses. So, here is a process that may be helpful for others.

First, ACCEPT the conflict or tension. It’s there and it’s in motion. So don’t deny it and don’t try to conquer or beat up the other person. Just accept that you all are having a conflict. Doesn’t make you or the other a “bad” person.

Second, VALIDATE the emotions. They are neither right nor wrong. I’m not saying validate the story of what took place or the story you have running in your mind. Instead, just accept and validate the feelings that are right there, within yourself and the other.

Third, VALIDATE the underlying emotions. Most often, there are emotions that lie underneath. For example, when angered, I can feel there is some kind of hurt or fear that fosters that anger. Look at it, accept that it’s there, and if you’re lucky, identify the story that’s there. “I am afraid that I won’t be allowed to be me.” The stories are just that. Don’t be afraid to look at the story.

Fourth, invite GOD or the DIVINE to be present. I refer to this as SURRENDERING. Surrendering is turning over this complete bloody mess of being human over to God. Socrates has been cited as saying “I know that I don’t know.” How true is that for all of us? We thought we knew something but to find out later we really didn’t have it right. (Nor is it ever “right.”) You are not running this showboat’s agenda so turn it over. Serenity Prayer?

Fifth, have COMPASSION for yourself and the other. We are all working hard to maintain our equilibrium. It talks tremendous courage to look at ourselves in an honest way, exposing that hurt or fear. Our minds want to protect us but the protection is now getting in the way of having healthy relationships.

Sixth, now ask yourself HOW DO I WANT TO BE? Not what the other person needs or need not do or say. That’s their business. Stay out of it. Instead, stay in your business. What is being asked of you? Two parts here: first, how do I want to be in this conflict or tension? And second, what’s being asked of me to look at or change in the larger picture? Sometimes, I can feel a part of me wanting to control the situation, make it “right.” But in doing so, I don’t look too pretty. Not very smooth. That is one level I can change or influence. I can modify my way of being toward the other. The second level may reveal that I may not be taking care of myself. I may feel tapped or worn over. There are all kinds of different messages that could be there. What are they for you? Again, this isn’t about the other person, it’s an invitation for you to investigate.

Seventh, take ACTION. As Mahatma Gandhi shared, “Be the change.” If you want change, then follow through with action that builds the picture you built in the sixth step. You can’t control what the other does or doesn’t do.

A couple of other considerations that are outside of this process. Firstly, the person you are in conflict may reveal a deeper wound with yourself or the other. Secondly, there could be a level of abuse that is going on in the relationship. Seek an experienced therapist to help you better understand what is taking place. From there, you can take other measures to remove yourself from the abuse or heal your own trauma.

Best, James

Resistance, God, and Experiential Learning

2010-04-19T11:22:00.001-05:00

Resistance, God, and Experiential Learning

My presentation on using resistance as an opportunity for growth had several levels of interest. Most participants wanted specific tools they could apply to various scenarios that they encounter with students or clients. Another level revolved around what is resistance, how does it manifest, and what does it mean for “me” in the experience. Lastly, there was a level where a couple of folks who were exploring how does God play in the process of resistance. Although I appreciate the behavioral-type interests, it was this inquiry around God and resistance that intrigued me most. For it is what defines my interpretation of life and my life experiences.
To ground our topic of conflict and resistance, I referred to an experiential model of learning. Drawing from David Kolb’s work because of its simplicity, albeit lacking robust processes, we discussed how the experience of working in conflict or exploring resistance in the moment, while in motion and repetitively, provided the deepest understanding. That is, by moving through each experience, applying new tools or understandings or testing hypotheses, one gains a sense of mastery and insight to the nature of resistance.
Returning to the lens of examining resistance through what is God, what is my framing of meaning of life, how do “I” move through life’s resistance with my understanding of God, generates opportunities for a unique form of transformation. Personal transformation happens with change. In addition, change does not necessarily come without conflict or resistance. For most of us, it is the experience of pain, resistance, frustration, or anger do we begin to investigate what is going on here and why the outcome sought are not coming to fruition? In the first session of the two-part presentation, we talked about interpretative lenses, and models that we could expand a sense of understanding of a particular conflict. Participants walked through a classic Conflict Resolution model via a dyad experience. However, what guides our interpretation and subsequently, how does that manifest in our behavior?
In the second session, two people shared some about their Faith. It was from this disclosure an opportunity became evident for us to discuss that we believe in something. All of us do. What do you believe in? In our culture, we can espouse a particular structure but our behavior and thought patterns are what truly reveal as our belief structures. Admittedly, I consistently see a pattern of “how does this influence me?” as a prevailing mantra! Nevertheless, when I see that question, I have the opportunity ask another set of question/statements:

What does God want me to do here?
I want God to run this process, not me!
There is no “me” in this experience but only God.

I take some deep breaths and follow the rhythm of my breathing. I am compassionate with myself if I hear some negative self-talk or if I can recognize the turmoil the other is experiencing, I can feel a deep sense of compassion for that person and the many others who experience similar wrestles. Even when I go to present or meet someone, often I ask God to remind my mind that there is only Him, there is no “me” and whatever the outcome it is His to make. It can’t or rather, I don’t want it to be about me. (It too exhausting for me to try to manipulate, control and still not get the outcome I am wanting.)
Here is where the experiential learning comes into play. I have to do this process of recognition and surrendering repeatedly. Tons of practice with a goal never achieved, (Perfection). (That is mastery.) However, I notice that my prayer life feels ongoing. Even when I am angry or frustrated, I get where it comes from, that set of distorted perceptions. The Reality is beyond my description. I can’t articulate God’s Truth for that is outside of words, pictures or concepts that could be conveyed. Nevertheless, I do seek ways that I can facilitate experiences where people can know, first hand, at what I point.
The conference was a great opportunity for me to see God’s grace in His ongoing teaching and conditioning of “me:” giving other people a chance to glorify Him, and to practice humility. I have not given up this life to God entirely so it continues to be a part of my prayer life. I may never have the apperception of God; that might not be in the path God has for me. However, I know the resistance that I feel and experience is God’s grace in developing and conditioning “me” in this relative reality, we can Life.

Intervention for Chemical Dependency: Trust your Gut

2010-04-08T19:58:00.001-05:00

Unfortunately, there are times when a young person can't stop his or her using on one's own volition. They know there is a problem but because of the fog, they are not able to reach out for help or assistance. Only when something disastrous reveal a need for help. Regrettably, those situations can have life long ramifications such as legal issues, financial impacts, or death. Did your gut tell you something was going on?

If you have a son or daughter who present something that doesn't quite fit right, investigate thoroughly as to what the source may be. Here are some considerations:

1. If your communication levels or styles change, ask why.

2. If others are raising concerns or posing questions that are difficult to answer, get them answered.

3. Trust your instincts until proven otherwise. I am not talking about being obsessive but instead if your gut flips, check it out.

4. Make sure there are people in your child's life that can be a support. Therapists, mentors, coaches, etc. can be professionals that have a connecting relationship and have good radars as to what is working well and what might be a concern. Furthermore, they can respond quickly in crisis.

5. Make sure you are taking care of your own self. Self-care and healthy boundaries help you and help your child.

If you or if you know someone is having difficulties with a child, you are welcome to respond for some ideas.

Best, James
www.atg-family.com
james@atg-family.com or follow me on twitter: jamesmortonjr

Addicts Believe in Something. But what?

2010-04-03T14:14:00.000-05:00

Addicts Believe in Something. But what?

Recently, a parent raised the concern for her son in that he didn’t believe in something bigger than himself like God or a higher power and that he was not helpless to his drug use. Somewhat perplexed, she didn’t know how to respond to him for she is a woman of faith, believing that there is some larger divine force. When those who suffer from the consequences of substance abuse don’t see a higher power or God and they are not helpless to the substance abuse, the markers are present that the person is needing to some more “research.” That is, they have not come to a place where they are willing to see things as out of control and are still manageable if they work a little harder.
Everyone believes in something. If you don’t believe or have some kind of investigation into the Divine, then you more likely believe in yourself. Unfortunately, that only leads to more despair and chaos. For we, as humanly defined, are limited and broken. There is no concept of reality, grounded in space and time, which can generate peace in mind or heart. “If I could do this or have that or if they would do this, everything would be fine.” That is insanity at play. However, as humans, we have to have these kinds of direct experiences ourselves. No one can impart the wisdom or insights that can only come from direct experience. Most of the time, but not always, the experience of “brokenness” is where we can dump our preconceived notions of “reality” and be in a place of humility and surrender. Now, something bigger than our self-derived notion of self might squeak into our cognition, thoughts.
How does one support another in discovering that Truth? The 12-Step process revolves around Faith. So, the assumption here is that if you want recovery, one needs at some point buy into the concept of the Divine and begin having a direct experience in an aware way. That means to aid others in recovery, the other points to or helps illuminate the Divine.
If you are a person of Faith, whatever that religion of spiritual configuration may be, the gift you can offer someone is to surrender their process to their own selves and to That which you believe is Holy. Surrendering the fate of our child when we have direct experiences of how we have sheltered and encouraged growth in our child fosters an illusion that it is us, the parent, which has protected and developed our child. Unfortunately, that is a setup for suffering. For the Divine has used us to be that instrument to support the child in which That which is Holy has given us as parents stewardship. That is, the child that you may have given birth to is God’s child and you have stewardship with that child. God runs the show, not the parent. Therefore, it becomes a marker in our growth as parents when we recognize that our children are under the development of the divine and that does not mean we are in control.
Once we come to terms with our sense of surrendering and recognition of not being in control as parents, or those active in Recovery, now offer something very special to our children. For the greatest form of leadership is leading by example. Moreover, when our child experiences our sense of humility, surrendering, and acceptance, she has a model on the continuum of time and space that exemplifies how to look toward something that is much bigger than herself. You have given her a gift from God through your own submission to Faith. Nonetheless, it is between that person and the Divine who do the dance. We become part of the landscape that offers the other a chance to have a bit of a handrail in her awakening.

Holding our thoughts and words as stories

2009-11-29T12:54:00.000-06:00

Stories, you are always living at least one. They aren’t real either!
No matter what thought is running through your mind, it is a story. Knowing whatever I am thinking is a story gives me permission to hold it without a death grip. Nothing needs defending. How many of us encounter someone who says this or that is what is happening? They believe it with their whole heart. Yet, we can see there is another possible “reason” or interpretation on how or why something took place. Nothing becomes so evident and as emotional as we each consider our faith.

Among the wide breadth of “spiritual scriptures” I read, what was read and understood some time ago can have a very different view or understanding when reread later on. Friedrich Bonhoeffer encouraged his German students to read the Bible as if God was talking to them directly. In that personal listening, we integrate what God is guiding us in that moment. Reading that Bible again later with some experiences and different perspectives, we gain further insights, which are authenticated in a deeper knowingness. My reading Ecclesiastes has taken all kinds of different interpretations. Recently I discovered a non-duality dimension that amazed and surprised me completely.

Quantum Physics teaches something similar. Is it a particle or wave? Depends on what is being measured. This can be very daunting for those who have little capacity for seeing and being in paradoxes. Sometimes in our lives we need clear black and white understandings so that our capacity to “hold it together” is met. However, once we have some internal space to ask larger questions or have an openness to different interpretations, we can see a broader spectrum of possibilities, not limited to just one “right” answer.

The Jews have a name for God, Yahweh. It’s a way of referring to God but not defining Him/Her, (or whatever gender you may use.) The point is that there is no point, no concrete or definability to God. As the Taoists say, if you try to define God, you’ve lost him. God is beyond our ability to cognitively conceptualize Him. So, for me to say this is the truth and that isn’t must be met with guardedness. For I have fallen into the trap of story.

This isn’t to say that stories don’t have their usefulness. (Even the concept of usefulness has limitation. Who or what is defining “useful?”) As I think about and pray on Jesus, my mind has a place to go, reference to. It, the mind, has a place to surrender. Often I pray that Jesus would totally absorb me, my ego: thoughts, definitions, feelings. “I” don’t want to be in charge of anything. Instead, I would rather have the Holy Spirit be in charge. (But isn’t the Holy Spirit already in charge, we just don’t know it?) That means I have to let go totally. Now that is tough.

It seems to me that I must continually refer to Christ in full submission. My sense is that Christ is already in charge for there is nothing other than God. I just have my fears, stories, perceptions define a reality that is absent of complete and full submission. If there is no “me” holding on, then the “I” suffers in the illusion of a fabricated relative reality. Heaven is here! We just need to shut up and listen deeply.

I share this with others in hopes that they may investigate what they believe and to hold it lightly as “truth.” By turning to God, undefined, we, our minds can hear the whispers of God. But no matter what we hear or see or feel, it has limitations and God is beyond any limitation. A word, a definition, a picture, a feeling, thought, all of it is an “it.” Some “thing” and it has inherent limitations.

This can bring about true submission for we, our minds, seek complete surrender. You can’t have idolatry in the fullness of the Now.

Kindly, James

www.atg-family.com

One type of family and One other type

2009-08-10T09:34:00.000-05:00

There appears to be two general categories for the collection of families I have recently been working with: ones that want to work and ones who don't. Pretty simple.

The ones that want to work are those who can identify that something isn't working accompanied by at least a modest pool of humility. When connecting with them, there is an effort to listen and be reflective on their part. Although reactivity surfaces along the journey together, there is an effort to see it for what it is, a passing moment of a story. In fact, as they experience these moments as passing, the reactivity subsides some and a greater sense of ease emerges. The more frequent the recognition, the more settled they become and the stories of what will happen based on distorted interpretations subside.

If you want to see change with another, you have to change yourself. Not a new thought here but it doesn't reside in our collection of genes thus requiring each of us to discover it through trail and error while being fortunate enough to recognize the pattern.

However, there are many who want me or others to fix their spouse, child, or neighbor. These are the people of the other category, the ones who want change but aren't willing to look in the mirror. I get that it is scary to investigate. However, the joke is that the only fear that exists and manifests is the fear in our own hearts. Great news, no? For if that is true, people can begin pursuing a different perspective. The insanity part for me is playing into the script of those who are not mature enough to inquire internally, (reflecting my own maturity).

So, I connect with families who say they want to help their kid. We begin discussing what the situation is and how they see things from their view, albeit locked in to how they are interpreting their experience as reality. I provide a nudge to look at it differently. The ones that fall into that self-reflective group, ask questions. The ones who don't, don't.

I can't change people. I can promote it. The ones who don't want to change aren't going to unless God speaks in their hearts with a club. But those who do, there is celebration and joy. I am still learning that I can't save people. My role is to change me, my personality and my perspectives. But this comes with a deep sense of surrender and humility. In actuality it is God who is changing me, not "me."

The great part of the work I do is the work I do with me. For I am asked continually to surrender this life to God. That means all of my hopes, dreams, expectations, fears, anger, all of it is to be given over so that there is no "me." I am not talking about nihilism. A person is up the wrong tree if that is what they think I am advocating because it doesn't exist. (As long as there is sensory perception, nihilism doesn't exist. It can't.)

As I connect with the two different "ones," my role is to be the change. The results are not up to me on what path they take. That is between God and that person. I am humble enough to recognize God is much bigger than any of us. I don't know what I don't know. But I can move deeply within and ask myself if I am looking for something that is to be sought within me? Am I being the person I want and feel called to be in this walk? Surrender is the best action I can take. What emerges is much larger than this personality and my capabilities. God is doing the changing.

Nonetheless, I can offer guidance and support to the two groups of families. By holding what I can and can't do, everyone truly wins in the long run. For God has a plan and is working His plan perfectly in each of us. I am in favor of leaving it to God as to what will become. Not my business. But if God can use me to reveal His Truth, I am an eager servant. (Contradiction because God uses all things for His good.)

I love all families, whether addicts in recovery or still in the throws of narcissism. My role is to surrender what I believe I need to do, what others ought to do, and instead just love them and help them where they are open. The rest is none of my business.

I wish for everyone to know God. To know Him in a way that you cast your life recklessly to His Truth. Although the journey may look messy, the breath of Freedom from wants, craving, and dispelling ignorance is amazing.

I wish for everyone to aperceive this great wisdom. They will chuckle at the absurdity of how one organized his or her life and cumulative experiences. And in that change or shift, each person brings God more tangibly, more perceptibly in this world of moment-to-moment.

Blessings

2009-06-30T14:41:00.000-05:00

Parents working as a team, even if divorced. Go to God for the best guidance in being an impeccable steward for your children

I understand how divorced parents undermine one another through their children. For example, I have one parent saying the son ought not have to follow through with an expectation because it isn't reasonable. But instead of coming to the other to share discontent or try to find an alternative solution, this parent falls into the "splitting" trap. Now there is division and the youth has a better chance of getting what he wants, albeit unhealthy. Parents are split and he knows it.

With divorced parents, this can be a great way to get back at the other or have a dysfunction run unchecked . A deep desire to cast an unfavorable light could be the underlying motivation. Even when parents are still married, sometimes "getting back" at the other can present and thus influencing the parenting process with their children. The opportunity, however, for those that remain "intact" parents, can learn how leadership that is unified creates for a stronger family and teach their children about healthy collaboration.

This is true to any kind of relationship where there is the dynamics of leadership and followership. Whether a business setting or a family, having leaders or parents in this situation calls for a unified direction. Parents or leaders need to voice their opinion and recommendations. However, once parents come out to their children, the kids need to see a secure representation of direction.

So if you are divorced, check inside to see if there is some maliciousness or some other kind of neediness present. Get with the other parent and talk about what is in the child's best interest. Remember not to fall on the sword for something that isn't worth it. You may end up agreeing to disagree. But walk out being one voice the best you can. Your child will feel more secure and thwarts unhealthy patterns that could play out in future adult relationships with your child.

From a faith perspective, a full surrender of heart and mind to God can be wonderful. First, it surrenders to God that which is God's to begin with. Your role is now more being a steward for your child instead of working power struggles or acting unhealthy patterns out.

Second, we come to know God more intimately. I can't list out all the times where I felt I was cheated or I had the feeling I was going to be rejected if I wasn't liked. But when I surrender and ask God what is being asked from me, I open to other possibilities that I know are from God and not from my woundedness.

I encourage everyone to stop for a moment and investigate what is the motivation for what they are about to say. Does it come from a place of wellness and humility or is it about protection or getting even? If it feels like love even though it will be tough for you to do it, it probably is in alignment to a deeper truth. Everyone wins in the long run because it is for and of God.

Kindly, James

Welcome James Morton's Blog

2009-06-18T14:26:00.001-05:00

Welcome!